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2nd Chances

I thought that I would share a dream that I woke up from only a few minutes ago. It was perhaps the most thought-provoking, eye-opening, needed dream of my life. I was taking a nap inbetween writing my paper for Thay Tung's class. I don't know if I can write it as well as I drempt it, but trust me, this dream was amazing, I woke up crying, and couldn't stop crying for about 10 minutes. They were tears of joy:

So I'm here on EAP, sad, lonely, depressed, regretful. My life is going so badly that what I would like to refer to as a "council of notables" (hehe, thats my precolonial Vietnam politics knowledge coming through) took notice of me. These higher beings observed me for a while, and took pity on me, secretly revealing to me their existance. They gave me an option. They told me that they could send me back to a fork in the road, where I made a bad decision. In the dream, the particular decision that I made was in April, the breakup...any of you that know me well should know what I'm talking about, and that I've always regretted it. But in the dream, I actually had the sense that the dream was symbolic of everything that I regret, every fork in the road on which I took a path that caused pain. So although the council wanted to send me back to April, it could have been anytime.

The terms of the deal were that I would be placed with my consciouness of now, remembering that following months in the first reality (my reality). I would replace my old self, only moments before the fork in my life. Then I would have 4 hours...within the first few minutes, fix my old mistake, and would have 4 hours to set my life motion...4 hours of knowing and feeling what I feel now... 4 hours of living with the memories of EAP now. That would give me the necessary tool to place myself on a different path, and fix everything that needed to be fixed. After 4 hours my memories from my 1st reality, my real reality, would fade, and I'd be left with no memory of the contrivance, and just live.

I agreed to the deal, excited to be able to go back and fix some stuff. There was no taking it back, no changing my mind. I fixed what needed to be fixed, and I succeeded in changing the future. Whats funny is that before my real memory faded, I was given the ability to foresee my new future...and my new future was pretty darn good. I saw into what my EAP experience would be like, and had the sense that even my friends here were changed. My one April decision was of cosmic importance and events in other peoples lives were changed by my decision. Friends here with problems, their problems had seemed to vanish. My problems had so too vanished. I saw even farther into the future, and saw me being a loving mother, and everything seemed jolly. But it was different. It wasn't my life. It wasn't how it was suppose to be. There was something wrong. Before my true memory faded and I was to be left in ignorant bliss, I had an epifone. But it was too late, I couldn't take it back. I wanted so badly to take it back. I screamed out to the council that I changed my mind, but they were nowhere to be found.

I was screaming and crying, having realized that the life I sacrificed was not bad. It is not without its pains and worries, but I am happy. I am happier and stronger than ever, and excited about life. And even though as my memories were still fading, I knew that my 2nd life seemed so much happier on the surface, I was still subtlely aware I made the ultimate mistake by trying to fix my regrets.

I woke up audibly crying, but when I had realized that it was just a dream, I was so happy to be where I am now, and they turned to tears of joy. I've messed up. I've hurt people and hurt myself, but who am I to want to change things? It sounds so cliche, but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. I would not change anything in my life, because then where would I be. In reality, who knows, and who cares? My life can only have one path, and when you start looking back on the route, you are more likely to stumble. This dream may seem like nothing to you, but for me, it was a long epic. I've omitted many details, as it was a long dream, and is still crystal clear in my mind. Yet the point is hopefully clear. Cherish your life, just the way it is.

And having told the dream to Julie, Saku and Tan, I am told that the dream is not original, but rather a mixture of the play: The Tragedy of Doctor Faustus, the T.V. show: Quantum Leap, and the movie: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. (by the way, a play you must read if you haven't, a show that you must know to be my friend, and a movie that you must watch unless you are an insanely boring person). But for me, it was a Steffanie Original, and I can only with that each of you will soon have this same type of epifone.

Love life, just the way it is.

posted by Steffanie @ 9:18 AM